Life has me in a world wind of emotions at the moment. I feel like things keep happening and maybe finally I am actually living them again.
My school year didn't start off so hot. I was still pretty sad and depressed from my recent break up of four years. Then I moved in with 3 people that honestly I didn't know too well. Two of them I had met last year and one was just a random. Living with people puts a lot of extra stress on a person.
Then school I just eefed up. I failed my whole semester because I honestly didn't care. I just wanted to lock myself in my room and sleep all day. Thats exactly what I did. Obviously it wasn't the best thing I could of done by any means.
During that whole semester I was dealing with a lot of health issues. I had gotten my tonsils taken out that summer to help with my sore throats I got all the time (IT SUCKED!) With that came the mention of cancer. I had swollen lymphnodes and those randomly, usually mean something of some sort.
Not only was this going on but I honestly was just tired all the time. I couldn't get out of bed. Yes some of it had to deal with me being depressed. But I knew depressed. I was there the year before. This was different. I LITERALLY could not get out of bed. I was so tired.
Then came sonograms, blood test, cat scans, needle biopsy. All came back with a big fat nothing. So the doctors chalked it up to reactive lymphnodes. What that means? None of us really know.
I had started taking alot of vitamins by that point and it helped quite a bit with the tiredness, so we decided to believe the doctor and move on with our lives. He said anything changes, come on back
Well literally probably a week after this was all decided I got a bad rash from we believed, the new shampoo I was using. Now I'm not so convinced since the rash is still there. This made me notice a bump on the back of my head/neck. I dont know maybe it was there, maybe it had just poped up. It scared us either way.
We went back to the doctors and decided a full on biopsy should be preformed. Which we had been trying to put off forever. I can honestly say I was so scared. So scared.
With the thought of cancer still being in the back of my mind I tried to move on and not think about it. It was so hard though. Honestly I don't think anyone was aware of how horribly scared I was of what would come from this biopsy. I googled stuff (which people should never do in this case) and was convinced and went to bed every night before my surgery and the week after waiting for the results just thinking about how I was going to hear I had it.
All this was happening right after the death of my beautiful cousin Nolan. Not only was I dealing with that emotionally, I was also just scared. This whole time I am going to school. Trying to pass every class because I have too, I cant fail again or I get kicked out of school.
It was, and honestly is still an enormous pressure that I am dealing with. To be going too school, dealing with a recent unexpected totally horrible death in the family, and on top of that Cancer and my own health issues. I am not going to lie. My roommates must of hated me. They honestly got to live with me during the worst time of my life thus far.
Bright side of things. I dont have cancer =D. It may be awhile before we figure out what is wrong with me, if we figure out anything. But, I dont have cancer. I am ok. I really am.
As my roommate put it, I'm having a reawakening. I putting on makeup. I am not in my room all the time. I am honestly happy.
Sometimes I feel guilty for this. Like I shouldnt be. Nolan is gone. I dont feel guilty though. I am not too religious. I used to be. Feel like I might start figuring out what I believe soon. But, I feel Nolan. I literally feel him with me. When I am so happy. I just feel him smiling at me. As awful as this may sounds. His death helped me. I would wish him alive in a heartbeat. I would be more than willing to go back the way I was if it meant him coming back. But hes not, I know this. I am trying to make the best out of a situation and I just feel like Nolan has been with me so much lately. Smiling with me. Comforting me when I was so scared. Telling me I am going to be ok. That I can still do amazing things with my life, and that now is not the time to give up.
Thank you Nolan.
