Nolan.

I have a hard time opening up to people. I do not like people seeing me weak. I do not like people seeing my cry. In the end, I do not like to bother people with my issues. I need an outlet for everything that is going on in my life. My life is no worse than yours, or any better it is just my own.

I decided that maybe a blog would be a good option. I see my aunt write in hers so often, about everything terrible that has happened. I haven't decided if I want to share it. If I want people to see me, my thoughts. I feel like I should though.

I don't even really know where to start. I have so many things that have been running through my head. So much to deal with. I suppose the most important first. Nolan.

On December 31st my cousin Nolan Patrick Connors left us. I am heart broken. Sad. Angry. Nolan was 13 years old. He had just turned 13. He went to bed perfectly healthy and never woke up. It is not fair.

This is honestly the first death I have ever dealt with. I say to myself all the time. You know, it would be easier if it was the death of someone old. There would be a reason. Or if it was a car accident. There would be a reason. The hardest part is there is no reason for this.

All my life I have always needed to know why. I need to know the reasoning behind things. I need to understand. I don't understand this. That is the hardest part. Nolan should still be here.

I feel like the people I have talked to about Nolan, who didn't know him, just don't understand. They don't get how amazing he was. How he was different. There was something different about him that you cant just pinpoint. He was special.

So many things happened right around the time of Nolans death that help me, make a little part of me believe there is a God and this was his plan all along.

I think back to the last time I saw Nolan and talked to him. It was on Christmas. This Christmas was a little different for my family because we had it at my Aunts instead of at our own house. Usually at our house. The men are in the living room. Women are in the kitchen or formal dinning room talking. Kids are running around being kids. This year. There wasn't quite as much space for the kids to run around and play. It was different.

 I saw Nolan so much more. I talked to him so much more. We literally set in my Aunts sunroom and talked. Talked about him growing up. About how he was becoming a teenager. About how at some point in time he would "hate" his parents for something he wanted to do and they wouldn't let him. It was a good conversation. Even on our way home I talked to my sister about how this didn't seem to happen too often. How he was growing up so much. How awesome it was to just sit there and talk to him. Who knew it would be my last conversation with him.

Nolan loved to sketch, he was a wonderful artist. I was always so jealous of him for that. My sisters friend who was with us during the funeral and everything else asked if she could buy him a sketch book to put in his casket. She also is an artist herself so it fit. We asked our aunt and she thought it was great idea. Ashley (sister friend) brought the sketch book to his wake. It was green. IT WAS GREEN. The sketch book Ashley bought was green. We found out that day that green was Nolans favorite color.

Nolan loved the outdoors. He loved being outside. He was a boy scout and from what I had heard he loved it very much. The day Nolan died, the day we went up to be with my Aunt and her family. It was such a beautiful day. It had snowed so it was a bit cold out. But it was just one of those beautiful days that kids wanted to be out playing. I remember looking out the window at the kids out in the backyard and thinking how Nolan probably asked god to give us this nice day, to try to show us that even though we are sad. The world is still beautiful.

The day we buried Nolan, the day of his funeral. It was beautiful. The sun came out while we were driving away from his burial site. I just looked up at the sun and smiled. I SMILED. I don't know why. How beautiful it was. The sun coming out right when we were leaving it just made me so happy on such a sad day. I may of been dreaming it, I might of made it up. But I swear as I looked up at the sky and saw the clouds moving I saw two clouds that looked like angles with their hands clasped in a prayer position floating up toward the sky.

While we drove to Nolan s burial site we had to go an odd way, I am guessing because of the long line of cars so we didn't stop traffic. While we were driving there I was looking out the window and all I saw were trees. Tons and tons and tons of trees. This is a big city mind you that we were in. Somehow though the way we had to go were trees, nature and beauty. Nolan loved climbing trees.

Maybe I am looking into everything too much. These things though, while they don't make it easier. It makes me feel like without any of our knowledge this was suppose to happen.