Guilt.

Ive read about it, heard about it, saw it on tv. They all say that when someone dies we feel guilty. In some way or another we think it is our fault. Which if I'm being totally honest here, that is so selfish! We are turning this something around and making it about ourselves. Even though thats not how it is at all. Its just a...reflex I guess? 

I first started thinking about this when I saw my Aunt blame herself somehow for Nolan's death. Of course I didn't think it was my Aunt making it about herself, far from it. I just wanted to scream at her, "It is not your fault, It is no ones fault." I just wanted to comfort her and tell her there was nothing she could have done.

Honestly though, would that make it any better? Psh, no. Nothing can.

Then there are days, moments when I get so sad about it. So terribly sad. But then I just feel guilty. Guilty for feeling sad, because I feel like I have no right to be? Trust me, I know this is totally irrational and not how it is at all, but I still feel it. Guilt.

My poor Aunt and how sad she is everyday. How can I even be sad? I dont have the right to be sad. I didnt lose nearly as much as she did. I didnt see Nolan every single day. He wasnt my son. So then I feel guilty. For being sad.

This was when the turning it around and making it about ourselves thing occurred to me. Am I just being selfish? Feeling guilty about not having the right to be sad doesn't even make sense!! Yet here I am. 

So I sit there, crying, holding back tears, whatever. I feel sad, then guilt about being sad, then guilt about the guilt. It is so much emotion. 

I type that last sentence. I feel guilty. Its so much emotion!? I am sure its not even a fraction of the emotion my Aunt and her family are feeling every single day. 

We are suppose to be able to grieve in any way we want. There is no right way. Well I guess at the moment this is my way. This is the cycle I go though every single time.