Life.

I always seem to come here when I have too much on my mind. I have always been terrible at sticking with writing. I couldn't tell you how many journals, song books and poem books I have went through to only get a couple pages in. But, writing is therapeutic - and sometimes I need a little therapy!

Life is such a complicated, messy and beautiful creature. A bit of the mess and beauty to come.

I applied for the Peace Corps. I did it! After one failed job interview and tons of hesitation I finally decided it's what I really wanted. I tried to convince myself I'd be happy at a different job. A new job was definitely the change I needed in my life! I was just lying to myself though because I was terrified.

To be honest I still am scared. Of course there are the normal fears that come up in my mind. I am going to be away from my family for 2 years. Away from my boyfriend for 2 years. Away from my dogs and cats for two whole years! That's really freaking scary, but I got it. I know I do.

What I am really terrified of though, is that they will not accept me. I have had so many health issues in the past years. I am still dealing and trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with me. There are certain things that the peace corps will just not accept. I won't even know if I am medically cleared to join until AFTER they accept me. What kind of bullcrap is that? I have to get accepted, and then potentially be told I am not healthy enough to join =/.

Healthcare and doctors suck. I mean, don't get me wrong I have met some awesome doctors in my experiences so far. My OBGYN and GI doctor being just a few. I couldn't tell you though how many crappy ones I had to go through. From talking over me, telling me I am too young to be having these problems - so they must not be problems, to just the old fashion doctors that do not care about your well being at all. It is hard find good healthcare.

I thought I was done with the whole healthcare scene for a bit. I thought after my 5th surgery in five years I was done!! But of course, I was wrong.

I was in so much pain. I can't explain to you the amount of pain and exhaustion I was feeling 2 months ago. It seemed never ending. With at least 3 ER visits, one to KU Med just because of the pain. A colonosocopy at 22! Lab work, CT scans, 5 billion ultra sounds and the only answers I got was a whole lot of nothing!

I think that's been the mantra of my healthcare life thus far. Nothing, nothing at all is wrong. Well luckily after a couple long months we found something. Twenty or more surgerical clips had made there way into the top part of my colon and decided to hang out. We presume they were used in my previous surgery a year earlier when my ovay and appendix where removed. My body just decided to reject them and move them into a much more painful area.

We removed them though! I thought, "hey, that was an easy enough fix, all better!" Wrong, again. Here I am a little over a month later in pain in the same area. To top it all off a host of digestion issues and complete exhastion.

It's hard to tell is the exhaustion from the pain? Maybe it's from a hormonal imbalance? Or maybe it's just from having to deal with these dang medical professionals AGAIN.

So here I am once again having to go to doctors appointments, taking medications with terrible side affects, giving blood work and the likes. Right now though, we are looking into a hormone imbalance. So we at least have some direction.

I was referred by my GI doctor to a endocrinologist. I was excited because I like this GI doctor and respect his opinion, so i had hoped I would like this endocrinologist as well. Sadly i will never get to find out. The doctor does not accept my insurance, so if I went to him I'd have to pay even more out of pocket expenses. So instead I am having to hunt down another endocrinologist that does take my insurance, is taking new patience and then get referred to them. Only to likely have to wait another month or so to have a consultation visit. Life - sucks. hepatic parenchyml

calcifications

Enough complaining, I just needed to vent a bit. Remember, I needed some therapy? Really though, I am alive and well enough to get out of bed everyday and I am beyond thankful for that. I just have to keep reminding myself that when things get a little tough,  a Positive mind = a Positive Life.

Hope.

I want to write about everything I am feeling and thinking and worrying about, but its so difficult. 

I had a talk with a friend of mine today just about life in general and it kinda just kept me thinking the rest of the day about it. 

People have so many dreams of things they want to do when they get older and I just do not want to be one of those people who never get any of their dreams.

I want to travel, I want to have a job I love, I want to fall in love again and experience life with someone. I want to live my life the way I have always dreamed it.

Lately I have been really afraid that isn't going to happen to me. I thought I had it all figured out there for a bit, then everything changed and I see now I just don't.

I know, I know I have time to figure things out. I just thought I would be closer than I am.

Little over a year ago I thought I had found THAT guy. Two years ago I thought I was going to go to college, succeed just like I did in highschool and have the time of my life. 

Now, I am afraid I wont be able to fall in love again like I was. I am afraid I can't do the college thing as well as I thought. I am afraid I won't have all my dreams come true that I had hoped for.

I am afraid because I know I am have so many disappointments and hurt ahead of me. I hope my dreams happen in there somewhere. I hope I achieve and make something of my life, because I KNOW I can. 

I hope I am happy. 

A whirl wind.

Life has me in a world wind of emotions at the moment. I feel like things keep happening and maybe finally I am actually living them again.

My school year didn't start off so hot. I was still pretty sad and depressed from my recent break up of four years. Then I moved in with 3 people that honestly I didn't know too well. Two of them I had met last year and one was just a random. Living with people puts a lot of extra stress on a person.

Then school I just eefed up. I failed my whole semester because I honestly didn't care. I just wanted to lock myself in my room and sleep all day. Thats exactly what I did. Obviously it wasn't the best thing I could of done by any means.

During that whole semester I was dealing with a lot of health issues. I had gotten my tonsils taken out that summer to help with my sore throats I got all the time (IT SUCKED!) With that came the mention of cancer. I had swollen lymphnodes and those randomly, usually mean something of some sort.

Not only was this going on but I honestly was just tired all the time. I couldn't get out of bed. Yes some of it had to deal with me being depressed. But I knew depressed. I was there the year before. This was different. I LITERALLY could not get out of bed. I was so tired.

Then came sonograms, blood test, cat scans, needle biopsy. All came back with a big fat nothing. So the doctors chalked it up to reactive lymphnodes. What that means? None of us really know.

I had started taking alot of vitamins by that point and it helped quite a bit with the tiredness, so we decided to believe the doctor and move on with our lives. He said anything changes, come on back

Well literally probably a week after this was all decided I got a bad rash from we believed, the new shampoo I was using. Now I'm not so convinced since the rash is still there. This made me notice a bump on the back of my head/neck. I dont know maybe it was there, maybe it had just poped up. It scared us either way.

We went back to the doctors and decided a full on biopsy should be preformed. Which we had been trying to put off forever. I can honestly say I was so scared. So scared.

With the thought of cancer still being in the back of my mind I tried to move on and not think about it. It was so hard though. Honestly I don't think anyone was aware of how horribly scared I was of what would come from this biopsy. I googled stuff (which people should never do in this case) and was convinced and went to bed every night before my surgery and the week after waiting for the results just thinking about how I was going to hear I had it.

All this was happening right after the death of my beautiful cousin Nolan. Not only was I dealing with that emotionally, I was also just scared. This whole time I am going to school. Trying to pass every class because I have too, I cant fail again or I get kicked out of school.

It was, and honestly is still an enormous pressure that I am dealing with. To be going too school, dealing with a recent unexpected totally horrible death in the family, and on top of that Cancer and my own health issues. I am not going to lie. My roommates must of hated me. They honestly got to live with me during the worst time of my life thus far.

Bright side of things. I dont have cancer =D. It may be awhile before we figure out what is wrong with me, if we figure out anything. But, I dont have cancer. I am ok. I really am.

As my roommate put it, I'm having a reawakening. I putting on makeup. I am not in my room all the time. I am honestly happy.

Sometimes I feel guilty for this. Like I shouldnt be. Nolan is gone. I dont feel guilty though. I am not too religious. I used to be. Feel like I might start figuring out what I believe soon. But, I feel Nolan. I literally feel him with me. When I am so happy. I just feel him smiling at me. As awful as this may sounds. His death helped me. I would wish him alive in a heartbeat. I would be more than willing to go back the way I was if it meant him coming back. But hes not, I know this. I am trying to make the best out of a situation  and I just feel like Nolan has been with me so much lately. Smiling with me. Comforting me when I was so scared. Telling me I am going to be ok. That I can still do amazing things with my life, and that now is not the time to give up.

Thank you Nolan.

Guilt.

Ive read about it, heard about it, saw it on tv. They all say that when someone dies we feel guilty. In some way or another we think it is our fault. Which if I'm being totally honest here, that is so selfish! We are turning this something around and making it about ourselves. Even though thats not how it is at all. Its just a...reflex I guess? 

I first started thinking about this when I saw my Aunt blame herself somehow for Nolan's death. Of course I didn't think it was my Aunt making it about herself, far from it. I just wanted to scream at her, "It is not your fault, It is no ones fault." I just wanted to comfort her and tell her there was nothing she could have done.

Honestly though, would that make it any better? Psh, no. Nothing can.

Then there are days, moments when I get so sad about it. So terribly sad. But then I just feel guilty. Guilty for feeling sad, because I feel like I have no right to be? Trust me, I know this is totally irrational and not how it is at all, but I still feel it. Guilt.

My poor Aunt and how sad she is everyday. How can I even be sad? I dont have the right to be sad. I didnt lose nearly as much as she did. I didnt see Nolan every single day. He wasnt my son. So then I feel guilty. For being sad.

This was when the turning it around and making it about ourselves thing occurred to me. Am I just being selfish? Feeling guilty about not having the right to be sad doesn't even make sense!! Yet here I am. 

So I sit there, crying, holding back tears, whatever. I feel sad, then guilt about being sad, then guilt about the guilt. It is so much emotion. 

I type that last sentence. I feel guilty. Its so much emotion!? I am sure its not even a fraction of the emotion my Aunt and her family are feeling every single day. 

We are suppose to be able to grieve in any way we want. There is no right way. Well I guess at the moment this is my way. This is the cycle I go though every single time. 

Nolan.

I have a hard time opening up to people. I do not like people seeing me weak. I do not like people seeing my cry. In the end, I do not like to bother people with my issues. I need an outlet for everything that is going on in my life. My life is no worse than yours, or any better it is just my own.

I decided that maybe a blog would be a good option. I see my aunt write in hers so often, about everything terrible that has happened. I haven't decided if I want to share it. If I want people to see me, my thoughts. I feel like I should though.

I don't even really know where to start. I have so many things that have been running through my head. So much to deal with. I suppose the most important first. Nolan.

On December 31st my cousin Nolan Patrick Connors left us. I am heart broken. Sad. Angry. Nolan was 13 years old. He had just turned 13. He went to bed perfectly healthy and never woke up. It is not fair.

This is honestly the first death I have ever dealt with. I say to myself all the time. You know, it would be easier if it was the death of someone old. There would be a reason. Or if it was a car accident. There would be a reason. The hardest part is there is no reason for this.

All my life I have always needed to know why. I need to know the reasoning behind things. I need to understand. I don't understand this. That is the hardest part. Nolan should still be here.

I feel like the people I have talked to about Nolan, who didn't know him, just don't understand. They don't get how amazing he was. How he was different. There was something different about him that you cant just pinpoint. He was special.

So many things happened right around the time of Nolans death that help me, make a little part of me believe there is a God and this was his plan all along.

I think back to the last time I saw Nolan and talked to him. It was on Christmas. This Christmas was a little different for my family because we had it at my Aunts instead of at our own house. Usually at our house. The men are in the living room. Women are in the kitchen or formal dinning room talking. Kids are running around being kids. This year. There wasn't quite as much space for the kids to run around and play. It was different.

 I saw Nolan so much more. I talked to him so much more. We literally set in my Aunts sunroom and talked. Talked about him growing up. About how he was becoming a teenager. About how at some point in time he would "hate" his parents for something he wanted to do and they wouldn't let him. It was a good conversation. Even on our way home I talked to my sister about how this didn't seem to happen too often. How he was growing up so much. How awesome it was to just sit there and talk to him. Who knew it would be my last conversation with him.

Nolan loved to sketch, he was a wonderful artist. I was always so jealous of him for that. My sisters friend who was with us during the funeral and everything else asked if she could buy him a sketch book to put in his casket. She also is an artist herself so it fit. We asked our aunt and she thought it was great idea. Ashley (sister friend) brought the sketch book to his wake. It was green. IT WAS GREEN. The sketch book Ashley bought was green. We found out that day that green was Nolans favorite color.

Nolan loved the outdoors. He loved being outside. He was a boy scout and from what I had heard he loved it very much. The day Nolan died, the day we went up to be with my Aunt and her family. It was such a beautiful day. It had snowed so it was a bit cold out. But it was just one of those beautiful days that kids wanted to be out playing. I remember looking out the window at the kids out in the backyard and thinking how Nolan probably asked god to give us this nice day, to try to show us that even though we are sad. The world is still beautiful.

The day we buried Nolan, the day of his funeral. It was beautiful. The sun came out while we were driving away from his burial site. I just looked up at the sun and smiled. I SMILED. I don't know why. How beautiful it was. The sun coming out right when we were leaving it just made me so happy on such a sad day. I may of been dreaming it, I might of made it up. But I swear as I looked up at the sky and saw the clouds moving I saw two clouds that looked like angles with their hands clasped in a prayer position floating up toward the sky.

While we drove to Nolan s burial site we had to go an odd way, I am guessing because of the long line of cars so we didn't stop traffic. While we were driving there I was looking out the window and all I saw were trees. Tons and tons and tons of trees. This is a big city mind you that we were in. Somehow though the way we had to go were trees, nature and beauty. Nolan loved climbing trees.

Maybe I am looking into everything too much. These things though, while they don't make it easier. It makes me feel like without any of our knowledge this was suppose to happen.