Hope.

I want to write about everything I am feeling and thinking and worrying about, but its so difficult. 

I had a talk with a friend of mine today just about life in general and it kinda just kept me thinking the rest of the day about it. 

People have so many dreams of things they want to do when they get older and I just do not want to be one of those people who never get any of their dreams.

I want to travel, I want to have a job I love, I want to fall in love again and experience life with someone. I want to live my life the way I have always dreamed it.

Lately I have been really afraid that isn't going to happen to me. I thought I had it all figured out there for a bit, then everything changed and I see now I just don't.

I know, I know I have time to figure things out. I just thought I would be closer than I am.

Little over a year ago I thought I had found THAT guy. Two years ago I thought I was going to go to college, succeed just like I did in highschool and have the time of my life. 

Now, I am afraid I wont be able to fall in love again like I was. I am afraid I can't do the college thing as well as I thought. I am afraid I won't have all my dreams come true that I had hoped for.

I am afraid because I know I am have so many disappointments and hurt ahead of me. I hope my dreams happen in there somewhere. I hope I achieve and make something of my life, because I KNOW I can. 

I hope I am happy. 

A whirl wind.

Life has me in a world wind of emotions at the moment. I feel like things keep happening and maybe finally I am actually living them again.

My school year didn't start off so hot. I was still pretty sad and depressed from my recent break up of four years. Then I moved in with 3 people that honestly I didn't know too well. Two of them I had met last year and one was just a random. Living with people puts a lot of extra stress on a person.

Then school I just eefed up. I failed my whole semester because I honestly didn't care. I just wanted to lock myself in my room and sleep all day. Thats exactly what I did. Obviously it wasn't the best thing I could of done by any means.

During that whole semester I was dealing with a lot of health issues. I had gotten my tonsils taken out that summer to help with my sore throats I got all the time (IT SUCKED!) With that came the mention of cancer. I had swollen lymphnodes and those randomly, usually mean something of some sort.

Not only was this going on but I honestly was just tired all the time. I couldn't get out of bed. Yes some of it had to deal with me being depressed. But I knew depressed. I was there the year before. This was different. I LITERALLY could not get out of bed. I was so tired.

Then came sonograms, blood test, cat scans, needle biopsy. All came back with a big fat nothing. So the doctors chalked it up to reactive lymphnodes. What that means? None of us really know.

I had started taking alot of vitamins by that point and it helped quite a bit with the tiredness, so we decided to believe the doctor and move on with our lives. He said anything changes, come on back

Well literally probably a week after this was all decided I got a bad rash from we believed, the new shampoo I was using. Now I'm not so convinced since the rash is still there. This made me notice a bump on the back of my head/neck. I dont know maybe it was there, maybe it had just poped up. It scared us either way.

We went back to the doctors and decided a full on biopsy should be preformed. Which we had been trying to put off forever. I can honestly say I was so scared. So scared.

With the thought of cancer still being in the back of my mind I tried to move on and not think about it. It was so hard though. Honestly I don't think anyone was aware of how horribly scared I was of what would come from this biopsy. I googled stuff (which people should never do in this case) and was convinced and went to bed every night before my surgery and the week after waiting for the results just thinking about how I was going to hear I had it.

All this was happening right after the death of my beautiful cousin Nolan. Not only was I dealing with that emotionally, I was also just scared. This whole time I am going to school. Trying to pass every class because I have too, I cant fail again or I get kicked out of school.

It was, and honestly is still an enormous pressure that I am dealing with. To be going too school, dealing with a recent unexpected totally horrible death in the family, and on top of that Cancer and my own health issues. I am not going to lie. My roommates must of hated me. They honestly got to live with me during the worst time of my life thus far.

Bright side of things. I dont have cancer =D. It may be awhile before we figure out what is wrong with me, if we figure out anything. But, I dont have cancer. I am ok. I really am.

As my roommate put it, I'm having a reawakening. I putting on makeup. I am not in my room all the time. I am honestly happy.

Sometimes I feel guilty for this. Like I shouldnt be. Nolan is gone. I dont feel guilty though. I am not too religious. I used to be. Feel like I might start figuring out what I believe soon. But, I feel Nolan. I literally feel him with me. When I am so happy. I just feel him smiling at me. As awful as this may sounds. His death helped me. I would wish him alive in a heartbeat. I would be more than willing to go back the way I was if it meant him coming back. But hes not, I know this. I am trying to make the best out of a situation  and I just feel like Nolan has been with me so much lately. Smiling with me. Comforting me when I was so scared. Telling me I am going to be ok. That I can still do amazing things with my life, and that now is not the time to give up.

Thank you Nolan.

Guilt.

Ive read about it, heard about it, saw it on tv. They all say that when someone dies we feel guilty. In some way or another we think it is our fault. Which if I'm being totally honest here, that is so selfish! We are turning this something around and making it about ourselves. Even though thats not how it is at all. Its just a...reflex I guess? 

I first started thinking about this when I saw my Aunt blame herself somehow for Nolan's death. Of course I didn't think it was my Aunt making it about herself, far from it. I just wanted to scream at her, "It is not your fault, It is no ones fault." I just wanted to comfort her and tell her there was nothing she could have done.

Honestly though, would that make it any better? Psh, no. Nothing can.

Then there are days, moments when I get so sad about it. So terribly sad. But then I just feel guilty. Guilty for feeling sad, because I feel like I have no right to be? Trust me, I know this is totally irrational and not how it is at all, but I still feel it. Guilt.

My poor Aunt and how sad she is everyday. How can I even be sad? I dont have the right to be sad. I didnt lose nearly as much as she did. I didnt see Nolan every single day. He wasnt my son. So then I feel guilty. For being sad.

This was when the turning it around and making it about ourselves thing occurred to me. Am I just being selfish? Feeling guilty about not having the right to be sad doesn't even make sense!! Yet here I am. 

So I sit there, crying, holding back tears, whatever. I feel sad, then guilt about being sad, then guilt about the guilt. It is so much emotion. 

I type that last sentence. I feel guilty. Its so much emotion!? I am sure its not even a fraction of the emotion my Aunt and her family are feeling every single day. 

We are suppose to be able to grieve in any way we want. There is no right way. Well I guess at the moment this is my way. This is the cycle I go though every single time. 

Nolan.

I have a hard time opening up to people. I do not like people seeing me weak. I do not like people seeing my cry. In the end, I do not like to bother people with my issues. I need an outlet for everything that is going on in my life. My life is no worse than yours, or any better it is just my own.

I decided that maybe a blog would be a good option. I see my aunt write in hers so often, about everything terrible that has happened. I haven't decided if I want to share it. If I want people to see me, my thoughts. I feel like I should though.

I don't even really know where to start. I have so many things that have been running through my head. So much to deal with. I suppose the most important first. Nolan.

On December 31st my cousin Nolan Patrick Connors left us. I am heart broken. Sad. Angry. Nolan was 13 years old. He had just turned 13. He went to bed perfectly healthy and never woke up. It is not fair.

This is honestly the first death I have ever dealt with. I say to myself all the time. You know, it would be easier if it was the death of someone old. There would be a reason. Or if it was a car accident. There would be a reason. The hardest part is there is no reason for this.

All my life I have always needed to know why. I need to know the reasoning behind things. I need to understand. I don't understand this. That is the hardest part. Nolan should still be here.

I feel like the people I have talked to about Nolan, who didn't know him, just don't understand. They don't get how amazing he was. How he was different. There was something different about him that you cant just pinpoint. He was special.

So many things happened right around the time of Nolans death that help me, make a little part of me believe there is a God and this was his plan all along.

I think back to the last time I saw Nolan and talked to him. It was on Christmas. This Christmas was a little different for my family because we had it at my Aunts instead of at our own house. Usually at our house. The men are in the living room. Women are in the kitchen or formal dinning room talking. Kids are running around being kids. This year. There wasn't quite as much space for the kids to run around and play. It was different.

 I saw Nolan so much more. I talked to him so much more. We literally set in my Aunts sunroom and talked. Talked about him growing up. About how he was becoming a teenager. About how at some point in time he would "hate" his parents for something he wanted to do and they wouldn't let him. It was a good conversation. Even on our way home I talked to my sister about how this didn't seem to happen too often. How he was growing up so much. How awesome it was to just sit there and talk to him. Who knew it would be my last conversation with him.

Nolan loved to sketch, he was a wonderful artist. I was always so jealous of him for that. My sisters friend who was with us during the funeral and everything else asked if she could buy him a sketch book to put in his casket. She also is an artist herself so it fit. We asked our aunt and she thought it was great idea. Ashley (sister friend) brought the sketch book to his wake. It was green. IT WAS GREEN. The sketch book Ashley bought was green. We found out that day that green was Nolans favorite color.

Nolan loved the outdoors. He loved being outside. He was a boy scout and from what I had heard he loved it very much. The day Nolan died, the day we went up to be with my Aunt and her family. It was such a beautiful day. It had snowed so it was a bit cold out. But it was just one of those beautiful days that kids wanted to be out playing. I remember looking out the window at the kids out in the backyard and thinking how Nolan probably asked god to give us this nice day, to try to show us that even though we are sad. The world is still beautiful.

The day we buried Nolan, the day of his funeral. It was beautiful. The sun came out while we were driving away from his burial site. I just looked up at the sun and smiled. I SMILED. I don't know why. How beautiful it was. The sun coming out right when we were leaving it just made me so happy on such a sad day. I may of been dreaming it, I might of made it up. But I swear as I looked up at the sky and saw the clouds moving I saw two clouds that looked like angles with their hands clasped in a prayer position floating up toward the sky.

While we drove to Nolan s burial site we had to go an odd way, I am guessing because of the long line of cars so we didn't stop traffic. While we were driving there I was looking out the window and all I saw were trees. Tons and tons and tons of trees. This is a big city mind you that we were in. Somehow though the way we had to go were trees, nature and beauty. Nolan loved climbing trees.

Maybe I am looking into everything too much. These things though, while they don't make it easier. It makes me feel like without any of our knowledge this was suppose to happen.